Nine Lives and the Conscious Mind
Sometimes predictions come true and way too soon. The good news is it’s proof that you know what you’re talking about.
Four years and 7 months back in Malaysia finally took its toll on me in early February. A visit to a clinic and some meds didn’t solve anything but only made things worse. “Food poisoning,” doctor had said after I told him my symptoms.
Suddenly I had trouble standing or walking upright, but managed to drive myself to the hospital three minutes away. Where I was subsequently examined by an emergency room doctor, given morphine, put through a horrible CT scan, informed the problem was something else, and admitted.
The last time I was ever admitted to a hospital was in my childhood back in Thailand for food poisoning.
Having different meds administered through a vein at midnight and again at 6 am made the pain finally disappear. Fortunately, I didn’t have to go through with surgery as the emergency room doctor had warned could’ve been a possibility if the issue persisted.
Two nights in a hospital room wasn’t so bad. It gave me space and quiet time to think. I almost felt a sense of relief.
Truthfully, it was disappointing that my efforts to stay healthy and in control, especially after over a decade spent improving myself and out of hospitals in the US, had been interrupted. Even if not by my own doing. It’s the result of being around the wrong types of people. The types who’re unable to understand how their actions affect others around them. Those who demand to be in control of everything and everyone and delight in others’ slow demise, and especially a specific target’s.
You read about stuff like that all the time. It happens everywhere in the world.
This was a different kind of disappointment from the ones I’m used to. It’s the kind that lingers and makes you nervous about what could happen if you let your guard down again, due to the circumstances. Also because the bill came to RM 5K. My insurance covered it, but I really shouldn’t have been in that situation to begin with.
But yeah, I already know certain crucial things about life. Like that many people excel in the art of sabotage, and the more unevolved but competitive they are, the more they’re willing to ruin others to feel “ahead.” And it doesn’t matter who they ruin as long as they can feel important, superior, and powerful because of how small and inferior they feel inside.
I’ve lived through a lot of horrible incidents and people — sometimes it amazes me that I escaped unscathed no matter where I was in the world — but I chalk a lot of that up to survival skills. Knowing instinctually how to navigate a situation, de-escalate one, which dark street not to walk down, not react, remain silent, speak out. Knowing who to stay away from, and making good decisions more than bad ones.
Some of it’s also pure luck.
Life is a gamble sometimes, and so are people you cross paths with, or are forced to contend with. There is an element of danger in everything and everyone. It’s the reality of existence for those who’ve experienced the best and the worst of life and accept this truth instead of denying it.
Sink or swim.
Speak out or be quiet.
Be cowardly or courageous.
A lot of the decisions people make are circumstantial. Sometimes it’s not the right decision, but the better one. “You think with your head more than your heart,” someone said to me irritably once, years back in Boston. In certain contexts, that makes more sense. In others, you’re left with no choice.
I had planned on writing more regularly at the start of the year, but this curveball back in February had me distracted as I try to fix problems that’ve arised for me due to irredeemable people here in Malaysia.
There’s a backlog of posts that I haven’t edited but am trying to turn my attention towards, hopefully soon.
