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Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic abuse, its effects on society, culture, and mental health, and why we should collectively oppose degenerates. Reject their bad fictional fantasies. Know thyself.
(Thinking Cup case starts further down under "How to Spot a Narcissist" section).
First things first: Once you've caught on that you're a victim of a smear campaign, know that a narcissist is at work.
When I say narcissist I don't mean Instagrammers and other low to mid-level attention seekers. I'm talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), dark triad personality traits, and a serious mental illness with which cult leaders and serial killers have been diagnosed.
What it comes down to is: The intentional destruction of others while pathologically loving the self.
"Narcissistic personality disorder includes symptoms such as poor self-identity, inability to appreciate others, entitlement, lack of authenticity, need for control, intolerance of the views/opinions of others, emotional detachment, grandiosity, lack of awareness or concern regarding the impact of their behavior, minimal emotional reciprocity, and a desperate need for the approval and positive attention of others." (How to Tell You're Dealing with a Malignant Narcissist)
No, the general public is not professionally trained to go around diagnosing people around them. That's the job of psychiatrists, psychologists, and other experts. On the other hand, it's only after some heinous crime(s) have been committed and these lowlifes are caught by authorities that they're diagnosed with a serious mental disorder — at least in Western society.
It's a catch-22. A lot of times, you need to go with intuition/signs and be a proactive member of society instead of letting evil thrive unimpeded like many useless people who stand around scratching their heads and shrugging, "But I had no idea...".
Narcissists in particular are the last people who'd voluntarily line up to be diagnosed because a) they will never admit there is something wrong with them — it's always others who are the problem, and b) they lack any self-awareness.
That leaves the rest of us with the obligatory responsibility of paying attention to the signs when somebody around us is exhibiting disturbing behavior. Most people don't pay attention because they don't know what signs to look for to begin with, despite the unlimited amount of information out there made available as reference points to us.
It's always more convenient to live within your comfort zone, thinking bad things only happen to everyone else. Don't be that person who can't look past appearances and shallow features, can't be bothered to exercise any critical thinking, and is easily swayed by words instead of actions, red flags, and overall character.
What you will realize then when it comes to narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths is: they are the people you least expect.
At some point, the inconsistency of their words and actions/behavior will become apparent.
Robert Hare, a researcher in the field of criminal psychology and author of Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopath Among Us put it best: "If we can't spot them, we are doomed to be their victims, both as individuals and as a society."
Realize that the smear campaign is intended to inflict upon you, the victim, what the narcissist fears the most — feelings of isolation and inadequacy.
You, the target, are made to become the narcissist and suffer the punishment generally reserved for those considered degenerates in the human social hierarchy (what narcissists are), and this is done by rendering you powerless and detested by others while the narcissist goes into "woe is me" mode.
As you notice the change in behavior of those around you, that's your cue to peace out.
This change in behavior could be: brazen looks of disgust, observing you suspiciously, demeaning language, staring with intent to intimidate, avoiding eye contact or avoiding you in general, following you around, spying with a sense of entitlement, trying to solicit details from you, whispering and gossiping amongst a group, mobbing, shunning you outright, etc.
All of the above happened from the time I made my first of several complaints about an abusive employee at Thinking Cup (North End) on August 16, 2018 and escalated until September 2019.
Sitting at what was my usual spot for 6+ years.
Understandably, your gut instinct would be to defend yourself and confront the narcissist and others who've been turned against you — especially those who've seen you around for years, long before the narcissist showed up. You'd probably expect them to know you better.
It doesn't work that way. Narcissists turn their victim's family members, children, law enforcement, and childhood friends against them. Your efforts to defend yourself would be the equivalent of a person pushed to the brink of insanity thrashing around wildly in a tiny cell, as the narcissist and his/her minions watch with self-satisfaction the person they've dehumanized before them.
Take it from someone who's endured smear campaigns from numerous narcissists over the years:
No one will believe you. So, don't do it.
Irreparable damage has occurred and the best response at this point is to walk away. Any type of denial, indignation, or explanation, no matter how rational, will not work in your favor so don't even try. What you are up against is a con artist — the opposite of who you are (narcissists generally target empaths as their victims of choice, and those they see as a challenge to take down).
Manipulation, deceit, and exploitation are at the core of their very being and are all they know, but also cowardice.
They are putting on the performance of a lifetime as they discredit everything that is honest and real about you by using every dirty trick they can think of. It is virtually psychological warfare, and those not well-versed with the lethal tactics employed by narcissists will be decimated before they even realize that they'd been part of a sinister mind game all along.
Attempting to undo their handiwork will be futile because narcissists are master manipulators and you are not. They're devoid of a conscience and empathy and feel no remorse.
It would be like going up against Satan himself — you will lose.
Deception, also known as trickery is a tool mastered by the wicked. It is the very instrument of the devil himself. As Paul had to explain, “Satan disguises himself as an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14, King James Bible).
And as people who've personally dealt with narcissists will tell you, they are the closest thing to the devil in this world.
Whether it's narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths, they are extremely good at manipulating people. "And the probability that you will be immune to that," as clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson states in this video, "is extremely low."
Which is why it takes more than just listening when associating with others, especially the new people who enter our lives. But we'll get to that further down.
So how do you go up against someone who seduces others into sin and falsehood? You don't. Unless you won't mind spending a good chunk of your life in prison serving a murder sentence — because you can lose your mind when dealing with a narcissist, or with collective narcissism — understand that there is no known cure for NPD.
Accept it and cease all communication with the narcissist and those who have inevitably become their loyal minions.
When there is a business like Thinking Cup that is implicated, however, it becomes the exception. A business that is run by dimwits who don't think it best to prevent bad publicity or a lawsuit as they see nothing wrong with a group of white people (and Mark) harassing, provoking, smearing, threatening, shunning a person of color, and long-time customer but do so with entitlement is an exception.
(I never brought up the race aspect of the situation as it wasn’t something I could prove, but upon talking to people in the neighborhood who were unassociated with the cafe, their response was, “it’s probably because you’re not white.”)
Basic social norms or common sense don't apply to the folks at Thinking Cup, perhaps, since these people missed the glaring red flag of a supervisor shacking up with another employee and subordinate, and allowing for this clichéd situation to fly right over their heads.
And when the narcissist that launched the smear campaign against you is not just any narcissist, but exudes traits of a malignant narcissist — what war criminals and torturers are made of, or "the quintessence of evil," as social psychologist Erich Fromm described it, it's no longer a personal matter but a public one.
The law is on your side here if you're quick to gather evidence, and there will be a lot of it.
What makes the narcissist's smear campaign so successful is that they manipulate others to join in on the abuse — assemble an army of followers that will obediently do as they're told.
Here is an underestimated fact about narcissists:
They have no authentic power.
They have to use underhanded tactics to get anyone to pay any attention to them. They are cursed with having to wear a mask for the rest of their lives and are thus consistently having to perform. It's why they're crippled by emptiness and live in perpetual darkness — a fact they desperately try to hide from others.
They start wars, conflict, and drama but have to get others to fight their battles for them. As said before, they are cowards. Their only defense strategy is to slander their opponents/those they see as a threat behind their backs and manipulate their eager minions to protect them.
Kitty Riley: the flying monkey who does the "helpless victim" Moriarty's bidding for him by smearing Sherlock to the whole of London. (The Reichenbach Fall, 2012).
These minions are called "flying monkeys."
The designated role of flying monkeys: abuse by proxy.
They are the useful tools narcissists recruit to aid in their smear campaign against you.
Flying monkeys are typically more asinine than their narcissist leader, and the narcissist knows this. They repeat anything they are told without question. They lack any common sense, or integrity, are impressionable, eager to please, and have yet to find any real purpose in life.
So they do the narcissist's bidding. The narcissist feeds them enough untruths about you and then sits back and protects him or herself as the flying monkeys spread those lies and harass, intimidate, and threaten you further.
Flying monkeys make the narcissist feel like they’re important and special. They help the narcissist feel like they’re grandiose, like they have high status, like they’re famous or a celebrity, which is what the narcissist wants to feel. Narcissists often have a whole entourage around them just like a celebrity needs an entourage in order to feel secure about themselves. (Flying Monkeys: The Narcissist’s Tool for the Smear Campaign)
Flying monkeys are made up of two types of people (from the article above):
"They can’t see it, they can’t fathom it, they’ve never been through anything like that, so they can’t even imagine that somebody would do such a thing to just make up all these lies about you and spread them across town."
As already mentioned, the naive are those who tend to live in their comfort zone. They don't react with skepticism to the narcissist's stories because they go through life with their guard down, despite all the evil documented in the news and that has happened throughout human history, and they’re gullible.
More importantly, their stupid logic is: That's never happened to me so it can't possibly happen to somebody else.
"These are the people with no boundaries. They love gossip and drama, they’re addicted to that stuff. They have an integrity problem and usually they want something from the narcissist."
The toxic are also those who just need an opportunity to let their true colors show. Oftentimes, they're narcissists as well, and a reason to hate and harass lights up a fire in them. Joining a conflict they have nothing to do with, spreading gossip, and intimidating the victim gives them a sense of purpose and makes them feel powerful beside their narcissist leader.
Additionally, they have nothing better to do with their time.
One good thing that will come out of this is that it’s the rational, classy few who will be the ones to disbelieve any of the fabrications that spill out of the narcissist's mouth. They are the people who truly know you, or those who don't listen to hearsay.
Everyone else goes through the elimination process and this is a favor to you as that means fewer low-value people in your life.
Be grateful for it.
So how does one become the victim of a narcissist's smear campaign?
It doesn't take much. You just had to have pissed them off in some way, even unintentionally or unknowingly, which led to their sense of power and control being threatened and as a direct result, their fragile ego being bruised.
In psychological terms, this is called narcissistic injury.
The causes of narcissistic injury include and are not limited to:
1. being better than they are in any way, shape, or form
2. having something they don't
3. seeing right through their try-hard performance and therefore being unimpressed by their inauthentic self
4. denying them any type of special treatment, attention, or praise
5. laughing at or criticizing them
6. leaving them before they can discard you
7. being happy
8. having your own opinions, personality, autonomy
9. and merely existing can all contribute to narcissistic injury
Annie Wilkes mad that her favorite author wrote a novel that didn't please her. (Misery, 1990)
But exposing them publicly for who they really are is the cardinal sin to commit against the narcissist.
They are incredibly vindictive. They are, in essence, mediocre people who develop delusions of grandeur: they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Narcissists need to protect that distorted self-perception they've created about themselves at all costs.
Frequently paranoid and jealous of others they see as a threat to their custom-made fantasy of superiority, entitlement, and high status, the narcissist will need to eliminate the threat, and they do this by embarking on a smear campaign against the threat (you).
How the narcissist goes about orchestrating your downfall is Machiavellian, to say the least.
They start by employing covert devaluation tactics to abuse you emotionally/psychologically. Often times this is done with a warm smile or broad grin, in one of the attempts of the narcissist to confuse you, as though to make you feel stupid to even take offense to the abuse. It's also how they avoid drawing any suspicion to themselves, by maintaining the charming, likable persona with which they fool others.
Should you react to it, which is what they want, it gives them more control over you. They might laugh and then say with feigned surprise, "I'm just joking. Wow, you're really sensitive, aren't you?"
Alternatively, the narcissist will feign confusion, hurt, or shock while blinking innocently at you, start crying, and in the malignant narcissist's case, want you to see the corner of their mouth twitch fervidly while pretending to keep a straight face as they delight in the pain they try to inflict upon you.
Should you not react to it or disengage, known as the "grey rock" method, they will simply continue with the abuse until you break.
As they methodically unleash the stealth abuse upon you, know that they are simultaneously talking to others about you and projecting their demonic characteristics onto you behind your back, and with feigned concern.
This could be something along the lines of, "I'm really worried about him/her. I think there's something wrong with him/her. I feel really bad/sorry for him/her, I think he/she is really insecure. I think he/she is jealous of me for some reason. I think she feels really lonely and wants attention." Etc.
What they're doing is smearing you right from the beginning as it's protection for later on when you attempt to fight back, expose them, or ask others for help — you will lose.
The smear campaign is designed to make you suffer in any way possible for daring to breach their delusional belief system. They will go into narcissistic rage and then attempt to ruin you or your life. And it will consume them. Do yourself a favor and don't underestimate this fact.
Should you choose to expose them, be prepared beforehand to have your reputation destroyed.
How bad can that smear campaign be? Think The Reichenbach Fall bad, in which the psychopathic/narcissistic Moriarty turns an entire city against Sherlock by utilizing manipulative tactics to deceive everyone (except Watson and Molly Hooper).
You must have nothing to lose when exposing a narcissist as they will make it their mission to inflict as much misery on you as they can by taking on the role of the victim, stripping you of any support system, and relegating you to social pariah status in the workplace, in the family, at school, in your neighborhood by tearing your entire identity, life and existence to shreds.
How do they do it, exactly? They simply switch roles with you, as the narcissist has no real identity to begin with.
Having pinpointed receptive audiences in those who have not established a boundary with the narcissist, gears shift, and overt statements are made.
The narcissist at this point openly makes claims that are completely fabricated, as well as frequent projections detailing events that have actually taken place…except that upon their retelling suddenly you’ve both swapped roles. A reality switcheroo: you are the abuser, and they are the victim.
This is the aim of the game. To portray the narcissist as long-suffering at the hands of your crazed and abusive mind. (Narcissists and Smear Campaigns)
As NPD/psychopathy author Sam Vaknin explains it, "Narcissists are people who have lost their true selves, and therefore do not exist as real persons but are mere reflections."
Nothing they say or do is sincere, and they do not have real emotions — they only know how to replicate them. They generally operate on ulterior motives — they always need something from those around them.
In essence, the narcissist pretends that his/her False Self is real and demands that others affirm this confabulation.
False Self: a completely fictitious version of the narcissist (everything the narcissist is not).
The False Self is presented as one who is omniscient, omnipotent, charming, popular, has connections, is high status, etc. Information they freely share with others about their achievements, abilities, past, etc. are more often than not exaggerated or pure invention. Some digging around in their history will reveal this fact.
This fake persona of the narcissist is constantly seeking validation: the veneration, admiration, attention, fear, respect, sympathy, trust, protection, applause, affirmation, etc. of others to compensate for the chronic emptiness they feel within. All of this feeds their narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply, in simple terms translates to any type of attention, good or bad, the narcissist can generate towards themselves.
As long as the spotlight is on them, this equates to narcissistic supply.
The ability to manipulate others to do what the narcissist wants equates to narcissistic supply.
Other people are simply pawns that the narcissist exploits for the purpose of narcissistic supply.
If, in order to secure this supply, he must be liked by them - he acts likable, helpful, collegial, and friendly. If the only way is to be feared - he makes sure they fear him. He does not really care either way as long as he is being attended to. Attention - whether in the form of fame or infamy - is what it's all about. (Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply)
The narcissist doesn't have "enemies." Those whom they provoke, harass, humiliate, abuse, devalue, bully, intimidate, and demean and can get a reaction out of are simply narcissistic supply.
That is what narcissists feed upon — other people's emotions.
Mosaic of Satan, Coppo di Marcovaldo (1225)
The narcissist is, therefore, wholly dependent on other people, as Vaknin mentions.
In other words, they can't survive on their own lest they drown in their own mediocrity.
It's also why they largely overestimate the quality of their own character.
They're generally the people who make others awkward or miserable by complaining about their financial situation or other personal issues, especially at inappropriate times and places.
The negativity and insincere vibe of narcissists will inevitably take a toll on others around them: friends, coworkers, roommates, classmates, etc. because as research conducted by University of Pennsylvania professor and psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman reveals, narcissists are regarded as untrustworthy by their peers after three weeks. And relationships see a significant decline after four months (from the same article).
Basically, they make everyone around them miserable.
So how do you spot a narcissist?
You pay attention.
Notice how Jimmy Carter, the only progressive and decent President in modern US history (also a religious man from the South — irony) stands slightly apart from the rest. Authentic, principled people who are not devoid of conscience are generally repulsed by narcissists and can recognize one (or the many) in the room.
While they do tend to walk around wearing a shit-eating grin on their face a lot of the time as part of their charming facade and deluded self-perception, there are other key trademarks that are customary for all narcissists to be aware of.
Especially in the beginning. Narcissists are con artists, as already mentioned, but it is their try-hard performance in desperately trying to win over everyone's trust and approval that gives them away, ironically.
Studies done by psychiatrist Glen Gabbard reveal that narcissists "develop this need to be the center of attention to distract from their shame."
They must be charming because that is their protection, or "mask" that hides their true self. Pay attention and you will eventually catch glimpses of the narcissist underneath the False Self because a mask is impossible to wear continuously.
Whether it's by constantly talking — about themselves, spreading gossip, whining about their personal issues in inappropriate settings, or feigning interest in you as a person to learn about your insecurities and weaknesses, which they'll use to devalue/smear/abuse/strip you of any self-esteem and driving the victim over the edge which in some cases results in the victim killing themselves (see: Anthony Bourdain), you'll notice how narcissists have poor behavioral and emotional regulation.
Devaluation and smearing are usually done later on once you've been groomed and the narcissist has gained your trust. And by putting on a jovial, non-threatening disposition, the narcissist makes sure to be acknowledged in one way or another.
The charm explains why the narcissist's loyal followers will disbelieve or disregard the truth about the narcissist, because they have formed an attachment to the charming False Self, and their emotions have been played with to the extent that logic and reason won't convince them otherwise, regardless of the evidence or destruction the narcissist leaves in their wake, as Ted Bundy fangirls will tell you.
"Narcissistic abuse is primarily psychological and emotional (though victims can suffer physical abuse as well) and since these abusers employ very covert and insidious methods to abuse others, they are able to escape accountability for the abuse because of the false persona they present to the outside world which is usually a charming mask that hides their cruelty. (The Secret Language of Narcissists)
The Malignant Narcissist of Thinking Cup started in her attempts to devalue me, the customer, by feigning forgetfulness when it came to my (false) name each time she took my order for eight months, soon after she started shacking up with one of the supervisors, Daud, and either with a thoughtful and intentionally comical furrow of her brows or a flutter of her lashes would say sweetly each day, "I'm so sorry, what's your name again?"
After I told her my false name (Anna) with a straight face, she responded with theatrical recollection, pretending as though it finally came back to her with an eager "oh!" like a great actress pretending to be a bad actress, and allowing me to see her lips quiver as she made a show of trying hard to not burst into laughter as she typed in my name.
Remember that narcissists feed off other people's emotions, so bullying, taunting, demeaning, and provoking their targets constitute feeding time for them, and they indulge voraciously and greedily.
As I walked away to wait for my drink, she'd suddenly call out after me in a sing-song voice to have a wonderful day. After I'd sat down at my usual seat right opposite the pastry case Neve would then walk over and what she did then was hover over me, and start to loudly and cheerfully greet other regulars sitting within my vicinity by name: "Hi, Joe! How are you, Joe? Not eating anything this morning, Joe?" Etc.
It was difficult to not feel embarrassed for Neve, because, for all those months of desperately trying to make a customer feel as small as she felt, this employee was unaware that I had known at the start of her game the reason for her narcissistic self emerging in the workplace: her sleazy supervisor puppet roommate, Daud had a wandering eye.
Be sure to be well-equipped when dealing with a narcissist, and especially a malignant narcissist, as any article or psychologist will advise you, as they are skilled liars, incredible actors, are master seducers, and will deny and rationalize any type of evidence or legitimate criticism made towards them.
Paul Ekman, psychology professor at UC San Francisco advises to follow this rule of thumb to spot a liar: "In the first half hour [of meeting someone], if I want to invite them home for dinner, I watch out!" That means their charm, a characteristic of liars, may have worked its devilish magic.
Narcissists care about status and they crave power. Due to their generally low-status position in the hierarchy, the most convenient method to elevate themselves from a state of mediocrity, naturally, is by attaching themselves to or being around those with any discernable authority, fame, or fortune. In short, they are social climbers and opportunists.
They elevate themselves by identifying the more "powerful" people in the room (anyone with some semblance of authority or status) and will try their luck with the more feasible option, perhaps with the person who seems the most gullible, has more open body language, lacks boundaries as well, and any real intelligence, like Daud.
Here the narcissist will try to get closer, maximizing their charm, skills of seduction, and wit to keep the attention of "Powerful Person" on them as they draw that person in.
What they are doing is attaching themselves, as social climbers and opportunists do, to power and relevancy, because that is what they crave the most. Even if it's just living or sleeping with the supervisor of a small coffee shop, that's something. Relevancy comes with power, and it fortifies the narcissist's belief that they are just as powerful or have "status" as those with whom they try to associate.
This goes back to narcissistic supply: narcissists don't have any meaningful relationships. The people they keep around them or seduce and form romantic partnerships with are merely secondary sources of narcissistic supply (attention they can solicit on a regular, everyday basis, as Vaknin mentions).
Once the narcissist traps "Powerful Person" it's basically the devil pulling the strings from then on. The narcissist finds him or herself in a better position to exert their dominance and control via manipulative tactics, unofficially taking over the reins of the supervisor and telling him (and co-workers) what to do and think, and as a result, infecting others with their toxicity.
As psychologist Bernardo Stamateas explains when it comes to toxic people, "Spending time with mediocre people is spending time with toxic people, you don’t realize that their bad air gets into your pores and makes you sick.”
While many people would find themselves exhausted, repulsed, and unimpressed by a narcissist after a while, there is only one personality type that enjoys being around a narcissist:
It's another narcissist.
The slightest criticism or comment is akin to a full-scale attack on the narcissist's very being. As explained here, narcissists are "clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self, they're compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves."
While they won't hesitate to criticize, insult, and belittle others, the same treatment is unacceptable when the narcissist is on the receiving end. They see themselves as invincible despite the obvious: "The ability to take criticism well depends mostly on how secure we feel about ourselves." (Seltzer)
Narcissists love to tear other people down. They want you to start doubting yourself, your achievements, your self worth, and your capabilities. It helps them feel better about their mediocrity.
I once helped someone start their own business. It was only several years later that I reflected on all the red flags I’d caught but ignored, and realized that I had been used for doing the “dirty work” and producing ideas freely.
For example, if I made a creative suggestion, the narcissist would respond with a disapproving look and imply my ideas were bad. A few weeks later, I would see the narcissist employing my ideas and taking credit for them. In one video, I watched as the narcissist invented an elaborate story of how one idea had originated. On one occasion, I criticized the narcissist for causing one employee after another to quit and was kicked out of the house in the middle of the night.
After my first complaint to Ryan, the other useless supervisor at Thinking Cup, who was hesitant to keep another employee in check ("She's really young," he kept saying to me, as though that was a viable excuse), Neve didn't take it well that I'd had the nerve to make a complaint about her abusive tactics.
She tried to engage me in a hilarious stare-down the next time I came in and was promptly ignored. Angered that her antics weren't being entertained, she walked away from the counter when I approached and refused to take my order, even as a line formed behind me. It wasn't until another employee, Martin, arrived that my order was finally taken.
Ryan, the supervisor on shift, witnessed this entire incident and looked the other way.
This is probably when the smears started taking form, as Neve got Daud, the supervisor she roped into helping her pay rent after other roommates bailed on her, to call Hugh, one of the owners, to be fed fabrications and protect her from me — a regular customer and long-time North End resident who was made a monster overnight.
No idea what was specifically said about me, but one possible false accusation is explained below:
"When someone has good reason to criticize or not like them, narcissists will dismiss their complaints as envy, because they are so great - and they can't tolerate criticism."
Narcissists have to be the best and the center of attention. Any competition or threat, real or imagined to their grandiosity and distorted self-image has to be eliminated.
They are envious of what others have and will frequently belittle, slander, and project/believe that others are envious of them, despite the obvious: narcissists generally exhibit most if not all the traits of low-value people:
1. are envious of others
2. are gossips
3. are constantly talking about themselves, constantly talking in general
4. are always playing the victim
5. are attention seekers
6. are arrogant
7. are inauthentic
8. are cheaters, liars, thieves
9. are cowards
10. are untrustworthy
11. are promiscuous
12. lacking in values and principles, etc.
For example, you might find yourself sitting at a dinner party or in a group and the narcissist will make it a point to humiliate or condescend you in front of others, by making some remark about an insecurity you told them about in private, a recent unsuccessful endeavor you've endured, or something they believe you should be embarrassed about but you're not.
You might find yourself struggling to maintain your dignity and cool because narcissists delight in seeing you embarrassed as they attempt to dominate you in front of an audience just to feel better about themselves.
Many people have witnessed this happen to others, I'm sure. I’ve personally witnessed this scenario numerous times and it’s painful when you know what the victim is having to endure.
"Because they hold themselves in such high regard, if they encounter someone with a trait or lifestyle or possession that they covet, they are consumed with envy.
They hate to see others with something that they do not have. When they do, they will belittle them and put their ownership of that thing down to pure luck. Rarely do they admit that someone is deserving of such a thing.
If the opportunity presents itself, they are not afraid to sabotage someone’s success by giving bad advice or purposefully smearing that person’s reputation.
Back in college, I had an exceptionally perky English professor (Bonnie) who, after a class visit to the theater to see a stage production of A Raisin In the Sun, (at which her husband was also present, and I had been discussing the play with him afterward) began executing the devaluation tactic towards me.
The more I participated in class discussions after attending the play, the more she started withdrawing her easygoing warmth from me and dismissing anything I said in the classroom with a wave of her hand and a smirk and then pleasantly moving on to another student.
With a few weeks of the semester left Bonnie's rancor went full throttle. As she stood at the front of the room in those last few weeks, she made a point of resting her eyes on each student (we sat in a horseshoe shape) but would skip over me, as though my seat was empty and I was not there.
Remember that covert narcissists generally make sure that their victim is the only witness to the abuse, that no one else can feel, see, or understand the (mostly emotional) abuse they expertly unleash on their victims. Leave no evidence, draw no suspicion, wear a smile.
Having shown indifference to her abusive treatment towards me the entire time, and after a period of confusion and reflection on past events which led me to understand what had triggered her abusive self to emerge, on the last day of class, after the other students had filed out of the room, Bonnie suddenly approached me and sat me down in a corner of the room.
Resting her hand lightly on my knee, she gazed kindly into my eyes, adopted a soft, motherly tone, as though I was a child she felt pity for, and said: "I think you were trying to impress me every time you participated in discussions."
This is called "gaslighting."
The narcissist's attempt to disorient and confuse you by using denial and projection, usually under the pretense of remaining calm, concerned, and in control.
Having suffered a blow to their already low self-esteem, the narcissist tries to regain their sense of superiority by making you, the person they see as a threat, come off as the one who needs their approval, is insecure, or crazy. It goes back to the point of the narcissist trying to switch roles with you.
It is a form of emotional abuse and is the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.
The narcissist uses specific language to communicate with their victims, including, as already mentioned: utilizing childlike innocence to feign confusion and denial, projection, pathological lying, and at times invoking tears while responding to confrontation with: "What did I ever do to you?" "I don't know what you're talking about, are you okay?" Etc.
When I asked Neve on the afternoon of October 6 if she'd sit down with her employer and me to discuss what her problem with me was, she tilted her chin down, looked up at me innocently, and in a childlike tone said:
"I feel really sorry for you. Just because I didn't remember your name."
She then walked off hurriedly while looking over at Daud, as though indicating to him to take care of the situation, which he obediently did.
This point ties into the sense of entitlement that narcissists are fueled by. Rules, basic social norms, and laws don't apply to them, in their minds. Boundaries are the narcissist's kryptonite. That and being deprived of any attention.
No attention = no sustenance = death of the narcissist.
Try telling a narcissist "no" and this will lead to narcissistic injury/rage.
Why do they behave this way?
Narcissists stop developing mentally and emotionally in their childhood. It's why the "me, me, me" behavior and mentality persist as they age. They function entirely on emotional immaturity and will do whatever they can to get what they want, or else will throw tantrums, sulk, utilize silent treatment, launch verbal/emotional/physical abuse, project, gaslight, spread lies, and sabotage you as revenge.
This belief that boundaries don't apply to them extends to the workplace.
Understand that narcissists respect nothing.
Malignant narcissists are particularly bold (or profoundly stupid, depending on how you look at it) in that they truly believe they're running things wherever it is they're employed, despite lacking the appropriate standards, skillsets, or qualifications.
If I was at the condiment bar at the back of the cafe, I'd turn to find Neve suddenly standing right beside me, rearranging what didn't need rearranging and sighing in subtle exasperation with a soft smile playing on her lips, or humming to herself in a hilarious attempt at intimidating a customer she wanted gone from her coffee shop — what she considered her territory.
Sometime in the summer of 2018, I stopped by the cafe one afternoon and bought an iced caramel latte. Once I got home, I took the lid off to stir the drink and found a glob of green phlegm floating among the ice cubes.
Disgusted, shocked, and confused, I stood in my kitchen for a long moment, wondering why Daud would spit in my drink since he had handed it to me with a cheerful smile. Neve and Ryan were also working that shift, and at that point, I hadn't been made aware yet that Neve was living with Daud and was exploiting him.
Narcissists know how to cover their tracks — whether it's spitting in your drink or committing some other repugnant crime, they operate clandestinely. They excite in the damage and confusion they orchestrate around them and anticipate the reaction(s) they can get out of others. If confronted, they will deny, deny, deny, blame others or feign ignorance. Sometimes all three.
Basically, they will never take accountability for anything because they can never be wrong.
After each attempt to devalue the customer, Neve would engage in what psychologist Paul Ekman refers to as duping delight — "the near irresistible thrill some people feel in taking a risk and getting away with it. Sometimes it includes contempt for the target who is being so ruthlessly and successfully exploited."
Literally, on certain days when she was feeling particularly bold with her wickedness, she would lick her lips with strangely exaggerated relish, staring directly into my eyes with a crazed look as I gave her my order.
Other days, smacking her lips in quick succession and swallowing exaggeratedly as though anticipating to greedily gorge on a steak dinner like a cartoon character, eyes flashing as she eagerly studied my face for a reaction, after she'd look me over and stifle a laugh while shaking her head, the corners of her mouth quivering, daring me to react.
On the last Saturday of September 2018, between 7.15am and 7.40am, I had gone in and was the only customer in line. Immediately I noticed Daud staring at me from behind the espresso machine, and he didn't look away, but continued to stare me down as I from her to him, confused.
Neve stood beside him, bit her lip to keep from laughing, and then launched what I could only describe as a deranged display of psychopathic taunting from behind the cash register when I asked what was going on — blinking her widened eyes rapidly at me, grinning gleefully and like some sort of short, clownish gangster pranced threateningly towards me several times while saying, "Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm?"
Daud the supervisor, ignored her behavior and kept staring me down stone-faced as one does with the intention of intimidating another person.
I remained silent after each provocation as I gazed steadily into the deadness of her eyes and Neve would giggle gleefully, cock her head to the side, and then sweetly say: "Have a wonderful day."
The narcissist won't be told what to do, it goes without saying.
They resist any type of authority over them and engage in passive-aggressive behavior that includes and is not limited to:
1. procrastinating, withholding information, being intentionally slow
2. pouting, whining
3. "misplacing" important materials
4. switching the radio to another station when someone in the car says they like the song that's currently playing
5. quietly taking their time unlocking a door when you're freezing and unwell and are trying to open it yourself because they want you to freeze a bit longer
6. changing plans that you had already made at the last minute because they decide it doesn't fit their schedule, or making plans that directly coincide and impose on your fixed personal schedule
7. making a point of looking at their phone in front of their partner/friend/family member and pretending to be texting someone so as to fill the said person with anxiety and jealousy or general discomfort so as to think they might be unfaithful or are reporting everything you're up to.
The list goes on.
Politely requesting them to stop doing something will generally result in their doing that thing even more, ignoring you, utilizing silent treatment, laughing gleefully, mocking you, or going into narcissistic rage.
Remember that narcissists exploit and have no respect for authority figures, in the workplace or elsewhere, because they believe they're superior to those of higher level than them and can get away with anything. This is their way of dominating and exerting their control by proxy (eg: telling weak males in positions of authority like Ryan and Daud, or the cafe’s owners, Hugh and Andre, what to do or think, or weak people in general).
They will not be told to stop doing something wrong, because they are calling all the shots.
Following an email I'd sent to Hugh and he replied that he had spoken to Neve about her behavior, she retaliated by hovering directly behind me the next time I came in (I had begun to sit at the far end of the cafe by the window at times, to get away from the sounds of her maliciously spreading gossip behind the pastry case) and in a nurturing, motherly, sing-song tone as though calling out to a child, interrupted the older regular sitting in front of me who was engrossed in his newspaper:
"Ray, is the music too loud, Ray? Are you sure, Ray? I can turn it down for you, Ray. Ok, Ray."
The funny (or sad?) thing about Neve is that this unbelievably stupid person didn't seem to consider the idea that I might've been recording and documenting her behavior and that of her minions for months as her stunts that stemmed from profound insecurity got more and more aggressive and desperate.
Narcissists think everyone is stupid. They believe they’re the most impressive and smartest person in the room. Their impulsive behavior means they basically dig their own graves, so this is an advantage to you.
Narcissists are prone to Jeckyll and Hyde behavior.
You never know when their next emotionally driven outburst will be, but slamming doors and cupboards, handle things aggressively and noisily, tossing objects around carelessly, breaking things, screaming, and the like will be the norm.
Again, think of the four-year-old who's hungry, or doesn't get what he or she wants. They try to provoke their victims, much like a dumb person who keeps poking at a beehive, runs away crying when she's stung, and then blames it on the bees for being bees.
The psychopathic/histrionic behavior only increased at the cafe as the months went on, even as I ignored both her provocations and Daud's advances and simply walked away, sat in far corners of the cafe, and pretended to be clueless to their attention-seeking tactics (grey rock method).
Daud's pathetic advances towards a customer who wanted nothing to do with him:
1. handing me my drink instead of setting it on the countertop and making sure to brush his fingers against mine as he did so
2. sitting or standing nearby so I was in his line of sight and staring brazenly and making a customer uncomfortable so I’d have to start sitting in other parts of the cafe on later visits
3. trying to make invasive, flirty conversation when I placed an order even as I shut him down each time
4. while Neve stood right beside him and I could literally see in my peripheral this kid sink into even lower levels of despair as she realized her own boyfriend thinks she is unworthy of respect.
Neve’s attempts to devalue and dehumanize a person:
1. snickering and shaking her head as she studied my face as I gave her my order
2. looking me over from head to toe as she walked by my table in a slow, comical strut and stifling her laughter or sneering openly
3. groaning dramatically when I was next in line and swinging the bag of almond croissants I'd ordered at my face as she curtly snapped her head away from me, nose in the air, eyes shut like a queen showing contempt towards and refusing to acknowledge a hideous plebian that had appeared before her
All of this was done in full view of others, customers and employees alike, though it was all ignored by others. It's just how the world works sometimes.
Narcissists live their lives entirely by their own custom-made rules.
Because of their low-value traits — and low-value people have difficulty keeping up with high-value people who put in the hard work — narcissists exaggerate, distort, or invent their life story as well as everyday realities to mislead others into thinking they are better than they actually are.
Basically, anything that aligns with integrity and discipline is a foreign, unappealing concept to narcissists. They are the people who take shortcuts in life.
You only get out of life what you put into it, a fact that they can’t comprehend.
Don't expect remorse from the narcissist for all of the untruths they spread about others, or even themselves. As Robert Feldman, professor of psychological and brain sciences at UMass Amherst explains: "Pathological liars will look at a situation entirely from their own perspective. They have no regard for another's feelings about what might happen as a result of their lies."
One Fall afternoon about eleven years ago I had gone up to Providence, RI at the request of the first narcissist I had known, Rina. She was working a full shift at a coffee shop in downtown Providence and had insisted I help with her laundry once she got off work and then spend the night, complaining that she was too exhausted to do it. I consented, even with finals going on at school at the time and having to make a 45-minute trip via the MBTA.
While I was waiting in the cafe for her to get off work, an elderly regular who I'd met once before walked up with his coffee and started to lecture me in the middle of the store: "Don't ask Rina to do your laundry for you. You have to learn to do it yourself."
Don't be surprised at how easily the lies roll off of the narcissist's tongue in their need to elevate themselves in the eyes of others, and they'll do it at your expense, without a second thought.
Everything good about others they exploit will be adopted and attributed to themselves as they switch roles with you. Suddenly you're the selfish, inconsiderate, entitled, lazy person taking advantage of the poor, selfless, responsible, generous narcissist.
Narcissists make everyone around them look bad.
You'll learn that there are falsehoods being spread about you sooner or later, and usually, it's by hearing it from a third party.
This last point might seem contradictory after all that's been explained about narcissists, but they are walking contradictions to begin with if you didn't get that already.
They'll frequently, covertly or not, try to monitor your activity on the computer, go through your phone, have their flying monkeys spy on you and report back to them, or will themselves call other people you know or places you frequent to harass you. Accusations about you cheating on them will be the norm, which is also amusing considering narcissists are known to be unrepentant cheaters themselves (see: narcissistic supply and low-value people).
Additionally, you'll hear them launching accusations about others stealing from them, are out to get them, or, as already touched on, are jealous of them. It's the exact opposite, of course.
They constantly try to sabotage others and you who are getting ahead in life and doing better than they are, by demeaning you when you're happy or have accomplished something, and will gain satisfaction and joy out of your setbacks or failings.
Wholly untrustworthy, it's not uncommon that you'll find your belongings suspiciously missing from time to time if you're sharing a home or work environment with them or they're simply in your vicinity. Should you freak out, the narcissist will feign concern or help you look for your missing items, knowing full well it's in their possession or has been discarded in an act of envy or entitlement for having something they don't.
Check out Shahida Arabi's more comprehensive list of other red flags to look out for to identify a highly toxic narcissist.
Also, how the seductive pull of the narcissist manages to charm everyone around them.
To be clear, all of the characteristics listed above could also be the behavior of cunty people in general, so be sure to keep track of consistent traits already mentioned on a whole to tell apart a narcissist from an average cunt. (In other words, not all cunty people are narcissists, but all narcissists who rank high on the spectrum are cunts).
So what it all comes down to is that people who put more weight on a person's words instead of their character and actions often find themselves to have been made into fools in the long run.
Dr. George Simon, an expert on manipulators put it best:
Because we live in a markedly character-impaired age, one of the main pieces of advice I offer...is that folks pay much less attention to what people say and more attention to their track record.
I also advise that when we do listen, it’s often more important to listen for the subtle cues that character issues might be present (i.e. we need to listen carefully for various tactics and manifestations of problem thinking patterns and attitudes) as oppose to listening to what the person is saying.
Listening in a receptive, accepting way to manipulative or other character-disturbed individuals can be quite risky. If we simply take what they say at face value, we’re likely to be unduly swayed. Once the irresponsible character has our ear, we become more vulnerable to all sorts of possible further exploitation.
So, it’s important to listen for those subtle indications that a person is trying to curry favor without really earning it (through consistent, reliable actions) or trying to promote a positive image of themselves without demonstrating a legitimate basis for it. (Manipulators and Charm)
Going back to what I said at the start of this blog post — to expose the narcissist or to not expose? That is the question.
I say it all depends on different factors, really. Your character, your values and principles, your life experiences, your tolerance level for bullshit and the fuckwits of society — many of whom can/could be found at a place called Thinking Cup, it turns out, among other settings — how secure you are in yourself and so on.
I’ve had several strangers (Americans) ask me before, why I continued patronizing the cafe if I was being given such poor, abusive treatment.
Because 1) I lived down the street from the coffee shop and had to walk past it daily anyway, 2) I’m not going to run away because some clown decides she doesn’t want me in a place I had been frequenting for years, 3) an African American woman “advised” me to make better decisions and that I should’ve just avoided the cafe in my own neighborhood — I asked her in response why she didn’t just leave the United States what with all the harassment and abuse black people endure. It’s because they know they have a right to be there, and won’t be terrorized into running away.
Most Westerners will advise you to run and never look back. That is cowardice and explains why Western societies are rampant with abusive, mentally unhinged people, as well as passive, weak people who prefer to look the other way because that's the convenient route. It's why sick people continue causing destruction in the world, unimpeded.
(I write that in the context of Westerners because, among other obvious reasons, psychology is more widely understood and acknowledged in the West).
It's unfortunate since narcissists have many blind spots owing to their limited understanding of the world, and idiots like these aren't difficult to take down.
Best advice I can personally offer is to know your opponent as well as you know yourself.
Which is not new, amazing wisdom but ancient wisdom rooted in different schools of philosophy.
Be well-equipped, learn and observe their tactics and patterns, and be several steps ahead of them, always.
Narcissists aim to make you question your own self-worth, truths, and innocence, using their proxy abusers to do this, so depending on how self-aware or confident in yourself you are, you'll either fall into a severe depression and run away in fear, or you'll confront them and then get on with your life, all the while laughing at the cursed narcissist.
The predatory nature of malignant narcissists, some of the most criminally unhinged and dangerous people you'll ever come across, knows no boundaries, and by dangerous I mean give a kid a loaded gun and they'll get as much fun out of it as they can. Remember that boundaries don't apply to them in their minds. They can get you killed if they really need to exact revenge on you, and they'll manipulate their flying monkeys to do it for them.
This has been proven to be true with the clowns of Thinking Cup, who, since I severed all ties with them in November 2018, enthusiastically participated in a smear campaign spearheaded by an insecure white girl who belongs in a straightjacket, against a brown Asian woman who had tried on numerous occasions to resolve the issue privately and was ignored and shunned.
What happened after I exposed this lowlife on Yelp was predictable and expected: Neve and Daud remained employed at Thinking Cup, the smears against me became public gossip and I was stared down, spied on, spurned, ridiculed by others in the neighborhood or those at Thinking Cup, including both owners Hugh and Andre, who didn't have the basic decency or common courtesy to reach out to a long-time customer to get my side of the story, while a former employee who hadn’t even been around at the time the conflict took place, made a big show of recoiling in disgust when she walked by me in the street.
So dramatic!
The meathead barista, as I wrote about in my second Yelp review, tried to threaten me by showing up at the Boston Public Library on Parmenter Street for several days in a row, after my whereabouts were shared among Neve's minions. Guy played boxing matches on his computer as he sat in my direct line of sight and texted someone on his phone, making sure I could see him do it.
Reporting to their leader and keeping them updated with their harassment activities is standard practice when it comes to character-impaired flying monkeys whose lives tend to lack meaning or purpose.
I sat there not knowing whether to laugh out loud or feel deeply embarrassed for this kid who has nothing better to do with his life (an observation also made by my landlord), as I documented all of it and reported him and everyone else who participated to the BPL, authorities, and others in the neighborhood who were unassociated with the cafe.
Having had to endure covert and overt narcissists in a previous life and their brutal smear campaigns from a young age, their tactics of abuse and control became an educational process for me. It’s made recognizing other covert and manipulative abusers in the world who see others as objects they can toy with for their own sadistic enjoyment and benefit easier.
Additionally, I'm not just Asian, but an old-school Asian.
What that means, I like to think, is that I subscribe to traditional collectivist Asian values in which narcissistic traits were never condoned, nor was it tolerated or ignored. Traditionally, narcissists got bitchslapped with reality and put in their place. This is no longer practiced, tragically.
Extermination of Evil : Sendan Kendatsuba (artist unknown)
Confronting evil will always require you to sacrifice something on your end.
That's just how it works. Having your reputation and identity ruined (temporarily, at least, if you stay ahead of these frauds), being ostracized and vilified by the irrational and hateful, and perhaps losing much of what you worked hard for, etc. is part of the battle.
Evil will take something from you, as evil preys on and destroys truth, love, innocence, light, silence, and anything else good and pure in this world.
It knows no boundaries, and it has many faces.
Understandably, most people have too much to lose in going up against evil. It's why they look the other way, ignore it, or participate. Those are always more leisurely options, creating a more significant, irreversible problem that gradually starts to erode the foundations of societies as more and more people opt to ignore a malignant disease that's infecting others.
Should you expose the narcissist, know that you're doing it for the greater good, for the victims, including children who don't even know that they're being abused and will grow into damaged adults, the men who have to suffer in silence because it's not "masculine" to report abuse from a female partner, and others in the world who can't defend themselves and who have no idea what they're up against.
Back in July, I had been sitting at the Boston Public Market one morning when Neve walked by me with Daud in tow. She looked back, craning her neck to look at me eagerly and then tried to walk towards me as though in need of drama as her dipshit minder struggled to pull her away.
This incident was actually what led to the homeless lady who loiters in the North End reporting my whereabouts to people at the cafe as I walked into the Public Library one afternoon and the meathead barista showed up, walking behind me numerous times at the table I was seated at, sitting down at the next table, facing me and observing what I was doing on my laptop, texting someone continuously, and then attempting to intimidate me by playing clips of boxers being beaten up in a ring.
What a manly man, man.
They’re like the types of people who eagerly lynched a black person back in the day and got off on it or accused women of witchcraft based on the words of malicious neighbors.
This experience has finally made Daud into a better puppet boyfriend, perhaps, as he finally finds a purpose for himself in the role of Flying Monkey Campaign Manager and helps his leader mold me into a monstrous villain he must protect her from, knowing full well of his part in this whole bizarre incident but feigning ignorance.
It’s probably because he’s a narcissist as well, and refuses to own up to anything, afraid of consequences, but instead looked for a scapegoat, as is customary of cowards. From a different (and Asian) perspective, this could also be saving face.
Roy heading to Manchester. (The IT Crowd: The Work Outing, 2007)
It's like that IT Crowd episode (possibly the best episode in comedy history) when Roy uses the disabled restroom at the theater and gets caught. So for the rest of the night, he goes the whole nine yards in pretending to be a wheelchair-bound disabled person so as not to be judged or get in trouble and ends up on the disabled bus, miserable, forced to join a sing-along, and heading to Manchester.
Sucks for Daud.
The point of deception is to fool others, and that is done by first gaining people's trust and acceptance by concealing your true character, leaving others to suspect nothing. What we see right before us is not always real, but trickery.
The wicked are usually hiding in plain sight.
To end this post, I leave survivors and future victims of narcissistic abuse with some simple advice:
Stay strong, be bold, be humble, and never tolerate disrespect from anyone. Not even from yourself.
Originally posted at northendvillain.blogspot.com on 9/4/19 at 5.21am (EST).
Ay! I'm a villain! How are you?
I keep to myself and have little interest in small talk. You'll find me having a cigarette at random, obscure spots around the North End because
I'm a villain.
Cheers!
“Cowards die many times before their death. The valiant never taste of death but once.”